Summer!

Every morning I walk to the gym and pass the neighboorhood swimming pool.  Every morning meaning, for the last week (we moved in last Saturday).  It's a pretty big pool and at that time it's pretty empty.  Peaceful. I spent all of last summer in Chemo.  No sun, no fun, no hair.  This summer will be the complete opposite!  

I haven't worn a bikini since before BC.  I have been secretly self-concious.  Worried about how my boobs would look.  Today I decided, F it!  I don't care how my boobs look.  I care about how I feel and I'm not going to miss out because of it.  I ran back home and put on my bikini and raced back to the pool.  It was still empty which made it a lot easier to get in, ;).  Once I hit the water, it was like I jumped into a time machine back to childhood.  All the cares in the world drifted away.  I felt awake, alive, rejuvenated.  I swam back and forth and even tried to see how long I could hold my breath under water.  I found out, not that long. I even had a flashback of my parents telling me to get out of the pool and how I would pretend to not hear them and continue to swim around.  I realized today, I can stay in the water as long as I want!  It was so much fun, and now that I broke the seal, I plan to go as much as I can this summer.

Hair, about 9 months post Chemo!!

I have wings!!  My hair is still a bit wavy, but I don't mind.  I'm so happy it's growing!  I'm still gonna hold off on cutting it for a few more months at least.  I am considering going blonde for a bit.  It's on the table, we'll see what happens.  Everything else is moving along.  My "routine" is giving me the stability I need to work through the stresses and fears of last year.  I'm lucky to be here, I'm grateful to be here, and I want to make the best of the time I have.

Tonight

Tonight is calm, tonight I feel together.  The emotional ups and downs have been difficult to manage, but I think I found a good trick.  Routine.  When I follow a certain routine, my mood stays level and I feel like I can put the pieces of my life back together.  When I stray from that routine, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.  Okay, that was a little dramatic, we'll just say, my thoughts and feelings become unmanageable.

I made a decision to try this on my own.  I didn't want to go back on anti-depressants (I was on them for a portion of chemo).  I feel like I've already been on so many medications and have done some pretty harsh treatments, my body needs a break.  Tamoxifen is pretty gnarly and I don't need to mix it with a bunch of other things.  This routine plan seems to be keeping my inner "maniac" in line.  I think this is gonna work.

I feel like the emergency of Breast Cancer is over for me, but it never completely goes away.  I think I had imagined I was so strong that when it was finished my life would just go back to normal.  It's not normal. Everything has changed.  I have limitations now.  They aren't huge limitations, but for someone who lived without limits, it's a difficult transition.  In time it will sort itself out...it has to.

All that being said, I'm very optimistic about the future of my health.  I'm optimistic that soon I'll be able to really smile, from the inside out, without looking over my shoulder.

Balancing act

I have been very busy working on my scripts, preparing for our move and new house, and trying to find a healthy balance for, well, my health.  I seem to have the first two handled.  I find a lot of comfort in the things I can control, :)

It's hard to put into words how I feel now.  I feel excited about moving and starting fresh after my recent crisis.  Building my new life post Breast Cancer.  My mood is up and down (even if I don't show it).  I'm assuming Tamoxifen is playing some kind of role in that.  I'm still not used to having to watch myself and the things I choose to eat and drink.  There are certainly worse problems to have, so I don't want to sound like I'm complaining.  It's just hard to police myself.  Then I don't, and I feel guilty.  It's a little game I'm playing with myself ;)  I have mastered the "slow down and rest when I feel worn out" thing.  This is good, cause I used to burn the candle at both ends. 

I need to have some patience.  I'm thankful to be here and have any problems, truthfully.  Focus on the things I can control and let God handle the rest.  I'll post new hair pics in a few days.  It's getting longer!  I still haven't cut it (except for quick self trims), which has been very hard!  It's starting to look a bit out of control, but I LOVE IT!!!!!

Changes

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.
-Lao Tzu

So many of us fear change, and the uncertainty that it brings.  For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to change.  We're making a move.  Leaving the city and moving to the suburbs.  10 years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at the idea, but with the changes I've faced over the last year, I'm pretty open to it.  It suits the life style I NEED to have.  Healthy, quiet, and peaceful.  My mother will be living with us too, and we feel it will be a better environment for her too.  Picturing her cruising around Hollywood is both disturbing and fairly unsafe.

We moved to the beach while I was in the thick of treatment.  Towards the very end of treatment, we moved back to Hollywood.  My husband dealt with the commute (he works far) to help me be close to friends and the things I was familiar with.  Mostly food.  I need to be near my favorite spots, just kidding!  No, I'm not.

Anyway, after I settled back into city living, old bad habits started to creep back into my life.  I've mentioned this in previous posts.  Heavy drinking, drinking for no reason, drinking out of boredom, and staying out late. After the life changing experience I just went through, it would be a shame to go backwards in time.  I beat myself up about.  Got upset about it.  Then realized, isn't that the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?  

My change in attitude and the change of environment is just what the Dr. ordered.  Literally.  My Dr. said that this is a great idea.  I'll miss the city of course, but it's only 45 minutes away, so I can just visit.  No big deal.  I just fought for my life, and won.  This is serious business (my health), and anyone that doesn't see it that way, hasn't walked in my shoes.  And I hope they never do.

Another deciding factor for the move, my husband's health.  The stress he carries from his 2 1/2 hour daily commute is completely unnecessary.  He would be able to sleep longer and have more time for exercise.  My health is important, but his is just as important.

Anyway, I've blabbed long enough.  Moral of the story:CHANGE IS GOOD!!  I'll post new hair pics very soon. Hope your day is beautiful!!!